Jölnir's Ride: a Norse Pagan Yule Story

Jölnir (yul-near) rode his eight-legged horse, Sleipnir (shlep-near), through the starry night. It was the eve of Yule, the night of the winter solstice, and Jölnir had an important job to do. Two of them, in fact.

You see, Jölnir was actually Odin, the king of the Norse gods. From Samhain until Beltaine, Odin would lead a group of hounds and warriors called the Wild Hunt. This is because Odin has the ability to send away ghosts and spirits that travel the world during the dark months and might try to harm us.

In old Norse times, there wasn’t electricity and heaters in people’s homes. They didn’t have the medicines that we have today. So winter was very hard and, sometimes, people got very sick. They believed that sickness was caused by ghosts who were angry that they had died but didn’t go to Valhalla and were bitter that the people were still alive.

Jölnir would race across the land, hunting the ghosts and spirits, and sending them to the afterlife where they belonged. His hounds and his warriors helped him.

The other job Jölnir had to do was to give rewards to children who had been kind. Because the winters were so hard, it was very important to the Norse people to help each other whenever possible. Giving someone a coat or a piece of bread could keep them from starving or freezing to death, which would turn the person into an angry ghost.

Children who were kind and helped people made Jölnir’s job much easier. The children would leave their boots by the chimney or the door with a blöt, an offering to the gods, which was usually yummy food like cookies!

Jölnir would visit children who had been very nice and he would accept their blöt by eating the cookies. Then, he would leave little wooden toys or candies inside their boots as a reward.

Today, we leave stockings out, instead of boots, and we put milk with the cookies. Jölnir goes by the name Santa Claus, and he has eight reindeer instead of a horse with eight legs. But he still has a great white beard and fur on his coat, and he loves to give presents to children who have been kind.

Being Childless is a Developing Privilege: the growth of discrimination against living with kids

As a parent, a Pagan and an activist, I have participated in many conversations over the last two or three years about privilege. I have learned (by listening to others) about how white privilege works, how male privilege works and, more recently, how thin privilege works. Each of these conversations has given me pause, had me nodding with agreement, or sent me off to wrestle with my own understanding about my own privilege.

Pictured: the perfect child, a mythological creature

At some point, recently,  the idea of childless privilege began forming. It took me a while to really get a grasp on it, because a person can stop having childless privilege (by having children) and then re-gain childless privilege (when children grow to a certain age). Additionally, like most types of privilege, there is a lot of intersectionality involved. Wealthy parents can afford to pay for a nanny or more periodic childcare. Poor parents get much more of the brunt of psychological and financial tolls due to the fact that they can't afford to hide their child from public view until the child is of age to have more control over their own behavior. Racial minorities may have their parenting judged more harshly because of their race. All of these are valid, and they help cloud the issue.


Before I address the topic of childless privilege, I want to make sure a few things are understood.

No, I don't think that the issues surrounding thin privilege or childless privilege are on the same level as racial discrimination and white privilege. They are all issues, but they are not all equal in how systemic or oppressive they are.

Yes, I do think that this is an issue. And my perception is that it is getting worse (ie, more oppressive and systemic).

No, I don't hate people who engage in this type of oppression. I actually feel like they are missing out on an opportunity to have empathy for people that they have little in common with.

No, I don't think that people with childless privilege are inherently bad people. They just have privilege.

Yes, I know. That one kid is actually a brat and deserves [punitive measure] in spades. We all know that one kid. So I'm going to respond with a tongue-in-cheek #NotAllPreschoolers

What does privilege mean?

Privilege, in a nutshell, means that when all else is equal, someone has an advantage due to [characteristic]. To reverse that, the presence or absence of a characteristic creates a disadvantage to one of the players.

This disadvantage generally occurs on a level of social acceptance/discrimination, but also tends to have a heavy psychological toll in the form of judgment and stereotyping. Frequently, the disadvantage has a direct or indirect financial and experiential cost to the unprivileged party. Wealth is often a buffer against the negative effects of being a part of the unprivileged group.

Lastly, the privilege is most often enacted by the privileged group or the system on behalf of the privileged group, and for often vague reasons relating to "standards" and/or the generalized judgment of the unprivileged group.

So how is there privilege in not having children?

To put this into context, I am making certain assumptions about parenting, which, in my own experience and by the comments of other parents, are true.

Firstly, I am assuming that a child's overall behavior is largely unaffected by individual instances of parenting. For example, a noisy child is going to be noisy, regardless of whether the parent tells them to stop, etc. A kinetic (always moving) child is going to be kinetic. As much as all parents wish they had well-behaved kids, it just doesn't happen that often. To force "perfect" behavior on a child that isn't naturally inclined to that type of behavior requires years of practice, the self-control that comes from being older, or years of physical or psychological abuse to ingrain such behavior on the child. Harsh, but true. Most kids don't sit still. Truthfully, most adults don't either, we just tend to put more judgment on the ways that kids fidget. (This article outlines several reasons why kids can't sit still; only two can be classified as parenting issues.)

Be mini-me! No talking back, just do it!

Secondly, I am assuming that parents are, for the most part, doing the best they can. No one knows a child as well as the parents, but parents aren't able to predict their child's behavior perfectly, nor control the circumstances of a situation (such as having the option of taking the child home when traveling, or dealing with a child during less than ideal weather).
One comment that I see in a variety of forms is that the child is a reflection of the parent(s) and/or parenting. I wish. I often stare at my kids wondering where they got *that* particular phrase/habit/information from. I know half the time it's from their friends at school. The other half... maybe aliens? If I could control all the things that they know/do/say, I would have a lot less stress in my life. If you believe this, then I ask you: are you merely a reflection of YOUR parents and their parenting? Really?

Thirdly, I am generalizing parents to not include issues particular to any other privilege or discriminatory intersections. This means that I am not taking into account wealthy parents, or parents of children with physical disabilities, birth defects, or severe learning disorders.

Fourthly, I'm not going to go over the huge costs of standard childcare, or the Australian study that estimated the monetary value of a mother's stress at $48,000 AUS. After all, if I got paid fair value for what I do for my children, I could hire a nanny and go out to a fancy restaurant.



As with many blogs on privilege, I am choosing to use generalized examples of how privilege and discrimination work regarding childlessness.

Social acceptance:

• The childless do not regularly endure comments or behavioral censure (dirty looks, sighs, etc) for the presence or behavior of another person. Parents are expected to tolerate everything from "friendly advice" on parenting techniques to strangers yelling at their children.
• The childless do not frequently encounter requests to leave because they cannot control the behavior of another person or the perception of that behavior by onlookers. Parents are asked to leave because children are asking questions, shifting too much in chairs, or expressing their discomfort in the only form of communication they know (yeah, babies aren't much for dialog).
• The childless do not encounter places of business that refuse them service on the basis of "ambiance" or the "comfort" of other customers (just change "child" to "persons of color" and see how that feels).

  

  This reminds me of college, actually...

  (Note that these same places of business do not put restrictions on the noise levels of adults having boisterous conversation - yes, you are annoying, too - nor do they ban alcohol drinkers on the basis of the poor behavior of a few drunk patrons.) I don't support restaurant bans, but I do support parents using common sense when visiting restaurants. I also understand the psychological angst of desperately wanting to get out of the house, not having a choice in where to eat, being dismayed that a child is much more tired/grumpy/hungry then you thought, then being caught having placed an order but the kid needs food now and the server is avoiding the chaos so you can't ask for a simple pack of crackers and the snack you packed has already been eaten and just bring the food already!
• The childless have never had to decide to spend additional money while traveling to make a gift bag as a pre-apology to other guests or travelers for "bad" (aka, age-appropriate) behavior. On the other hand, responses to the idea are informative and amusing, by turns.
• The childless have not had realistic behaviors prohibited at or around their own homes. Parents, however, may be (illegally) asked to not allow their children to play outside their own apartment.

Psychological toll:

• The childless likely never have to worry if the behavior of another person will cause them to have a negative interaction with law enforcement or government agencies. Parents can face criminal charges due to their children's behavior, the perceptions of the dangers their children face, and even due to third parties doing injury to their children (negligence - when you just gotta charge someone for something involving a child).
• The childless probably do not have to juggle watching another person to monitor their behavior AND watching strangers for negative behavior against that other person. Parents feel the pressure to attempt to control (attempt but never fully succeed) their kids while at the same time trying to protect those children against attacks, random violence, more violence, invasive... I don't even know what this is, random attacks, random playground assaults, and much more.
• The childless will likely not make decisions to engage (or not) in an activity based on whether they believe they have the energy to care for another person during the activity OR based on whether they can handle the psychological stress of being judged on the basis of another person's behaviors. I spent the first six years as a parent virtually unable to leave the house with my children without the company of another adult to help. Even now, the experience can be so daunting that I would rather miss out on experiences than deal with my children. I had the opportunity to see Aretha Franklin live, but her performance was after my kids' bedtime. We left the venue before she performed.

  

  This child just wants to be in his own bed,
  and the mom wants him there, too. Guaranteed.
  

• The childless will never have to abort a task due to another person's behavior and the public perception of that behavior. Parents have all had that moment. I remember when my son melted down five minutes from being on the way home after a 15 minute speed-shopping trip, and I had delayed getting groceries for several days anyways so we had next to nothing to eat, and if he could just make it through check out I would cry all the way home with him because there's nothing that will help until the safety of home is reached, and don't think about trying to juggle the groceries and crying baby while climbing the stairs to the apartment cuz the elevator is still broken... But that stranger giving me a dirty look? Yeah, that makes everything all better.

Financial toll:

• The childless are unlikely to have expenses relating to be able to work that may make it financially ineffective to work. Those with children must pay childcare expenses, which are frequently cost-prohibitive to holding lower-paying jobs.
• The childless will not be required to pay additional costs for appropriate housing for their family. (Note: it is illegal for landlords to charge parents with young children additional rent or security deposits, but there are loopholes that they can use to increase the costs or deny renting entirely.)

  

  I can eat this, right? No!So, it's to eat, right? NO!I can eat it now? Gahhhrgh! Fine, yes.

• The childless will not be denied apartment rental or financial loans for buying a house. Parents are considered less financially stable, particularly during the mother's maternity leave.
• The childless are not advised to refrain from talking about their family during a job interview for fear that they may not be hired due to having "too many familial obligations". 
• The childless are not inhibited in progressing within their careers due to stereotyping of work ethic. Studies do not support the idea that employees with families and young children are a liability to employers. In fact, some suggest that the opposite is true.

 

Crime and Punishment: Autism

My son received an educational verification of ASD while in the Headstart program. He is currently in 3rd grade and I have actively participated in his IEP meetings, providing information and making recommendations. In the last few meetings, it had been brought up that he requires more challenges to keep from being bored. The recommendation that he be placed in a higher reading group was dismissed on the basis that he "wouldn't be able to catch up with the grammar". I was not happy with this, but felt it could be readdressed later.

Additionally, last year, my son's stimming behavior manifested in destructive clothes chewing. I personally researched solutions to this problem and purchased a necklace designed to accommodate chewing and "fiddling" for ASD persons. The necklace was confiscated at least twice by school staff because he was chewing and fiddling with it, despite his attempts to explain. He became paranoid about them taking the necklaces and stopped taking them to school.

Wednesday, I received a letter explaining that my son was being suspended indefinitely due to his "tearing pages from several text and reading books". When I asked him about this (because that is NOT something he normally does), he said he gets bored and jittery and tears small pieces out of the corners of pages. Upon further discussion, he said he would like to have the necklaces again.

Meanwhile, I have been trying to get a hold of the school principal to set up the meeting that we have to have before my son can get back to school. It's Thursday and I am still waiting to find out if I can (maybe) get a meeting on Monday. I did get the school counselor, who gave me the run-around and hung up on me when I protested the school's callousness towards my son's ASD issues. I eventually called the superintendent, who is trying to get us the late morning meeting on Monday.

I have tried to explain stimming and the need for challenging material in my son's IEP meetings several times. I have provided non-invasive methods for him to deal with his stimming urges and the staff saw fit to take away his property without the benefit of the doubt. His teacher and most of the staff seem to be completely ignorant of the idea that he would need something different than the other students, despite these same people being responsible for and (often) participating in his IEP planning meetings. His IEP seems to focus ONLY on activities and such that pull him from the regular class with NO solid plan or methods for dealing with him in the regular class. He has a different teacher for his reading class, who seems to have even less understanding of him.

The Womb-Shield Meditation: Taking shelter in the original shelter

The concept of the womb-shield came about from a discussion on my podcast, Pagan Musings. The idea is that you are protected and loved in the womb, but you are not separate from those who love you. You can still interact. It isn't a barrier to your needs. Like the womb, a womb-shield feeds you and keeps you warm and safe. You can interact with those around you (just don't actually kick them!).



Let's begin:

Close your eyes. Breathe deeply, through your nose. Relax your arms and legs. Relax your shoulders. Relax the muscles on your head and face. Relax your spine.

You are in the dark. There is no light, no sound, no feeling. You are perfectly safe, held close by the dark. You are warm and comfortable, floating in the dark. Take a moment to experience this.

You notice a sound, low and soft and rhythmic. It pulses out a steady beat, growing louder and becoming more clear. You recognize the sound. It is the heartbeat of the Earth Goddess. The sound matches the beat in your own chest, pulsing your lifebeat.

The sound gives you power. It makes you strong and healthy. It takes away pains and wounds, toxins and fatigue. You feel the lazy power of the lion, the motionless strength of the sequoia. It moves through your arms and legs, infusing the muscles there. Take a moment to experience this.

You notice a light growing around you, red and soft, the color of love. It glows warmly, showing what lay in the dark. There are soft, warm walls traced with veins. The blood pulses in them in time to the heartbeat in your ears. Your world is safe, full of love, made of the Mother. Nothing can hurt you here, surrounded by one who loves you. Take a moment to experience this.

You feel the power of the heartbeat flowing in you. You see the womb walls surrounding you, keeping you safe from all harm.

Now, the womb slowly becomes transparent. You can see the larger world around you, people, objects, everything. But you can still see the veins of your womb world if you look closely. The sounds of your surroundings become clear, but you can still hear the heartbeat if you listen closely.

Now, you leave the meditation, slowly coming back to the here and now. As you move through your day, if you concentrate, you can see and hear the womb around you still, protecting you from all harm.