Being Childless is a Developing Privilege: the growth of discrimination against living with kids

As a parent, a Pagan and an activist, I have participated in many conversations over the last two or three years about privilege. I have learned (by listening to others) about how white privilege works, how male privilege works and, more recently, how thin privilege works. Each of these conversations has given me pause, had me nodding with agreement, or sent me off to wrestle with my own understanding about my own privilege.

Pictured: the perfect child, a mythological creature

At some point, recently,  the idea of childless privilege began forming. It took me a while to really get a grasp on it, because a person can stop having childless privilege (by having children) and then re-gain childless privilege (when children grow to a certain age). Additionally, like most types of privilege, there is a lot of intersectionality involved. Wealthy parents can afford to pay for a nanny or more periodic childcare. Poor parents get much more of the brunt of psychological and financial tolls due to the fact that they can't afford to hide their child from public view until the child is of age to have more control over their own behavior. Racial minorities may have their parenting judged more harshly because of their race. All of these are valid, and they help cloud the issue.


Before I address the topic of childless privilege, I want to make sure a few things are understood.

No, I don't think that the issues surrounding thin privilege or childless privilege are on the same level as racial discrimination and white privilege. They are all issues, but they are not all equal in how systemic or oppressive they are.

Yes, I do think that this is an issue. And my perception is that it is getting worse (ie, more oppressive and systemic).

No, I don't hate people who engage in this type of oppression. I actually feel like they are missing out on an opportunity to have empathy for people that they have little in common with.

No, I don't think that people with childless privilege are inherently bad people. They just have privilege.

Yes, I know. That one kid is actually a brat and deserves [punitive measure] in spades. We all know that one kid. So I'm going to respond with a tongue-in-cheek #NotAllPreschoolers

What does privilege mean?

Privilege, in a nutshell, means that when all else is equal, someone has an advantage due to [characteristic]. To reverse that, the presence or absence of a characteristic creates a disadvantage to one of the players.

This disadvantage generally occurs on a level of social acceptance/discrimination, but also tends to have a heavy psychological toll in the form of judgment and stereotyping. Frequently, the disadvantage has a direct or indirect financial and experiential cost to the unprivileged party. Wealth is often a buffer against the negative effects of being a part of the unprivileged group.

Lastly, the privilege is most often enacted by the privileged group or the system on behalf of the privileged group, and for often vague reasons relating to "standards" and/or the generalized judgment of the unprivileged group.

So how is there privilege in not having children?

To put this into context, I am making certain assumptions about parenting, which, in my own experience and by the comments of other parents, are true.

Firstly, I am assuming that a child's overall behavior is largely unaffected by individual instances of parenting. For example, a noisy child is going to be noisy, regardless of whether the parent tells them to stop, etc. A kinetic (always moving) child is going to be kinetic. As much as all parents wish they had well-behaved kids, it just doesn't happen that often. To force "perfect" behavior on a child that isn't naturally inclined to that type of behavior requires years of practice, the self-control that comes from being older, or years of physical or psychological abuse to ingrain such behavior on the child. Harsh, but true. Most kids don't sit still. Truthfully, most adults don't either, we just tend to put more judgment on the ways that kids fidget. (This article outlines several reasons why kids can't sit still; only two can be classified as parenting issues.)

Be mini-me! No talking back, just do it!

Secondly, I am assuming that parents are, for the most part, doing the best they can. No one knows a child as well as the parents, but parents aren't able to predict their child's behavior perfectly, nor control the circumstances of a situation (such as having the option of taking the child home when traveling, or dealing with a child during less than ideal weather).
One comment that I see in a variety of forms is that the child is a reflection of the parent(s) and/or parenting. I wish. I often stare at my kids wondering where they got *that* particular phrase/habit/information from. I know half the time it's from their friends at school. The other half... maybe aliens? If I could control all the things that they know/do/say, I would have a lot less stress in my life. If you believe this, then I ask you: are you merely a reflection of YOUR parents and their parenting? Really?

Thirdly, I am generalizing parents to not include issues particular to any other privilege or discriminatory intersections. This means that I am not taking into account wealthy parents, or parents of children with physical disabilities, birth defects, or severe learning disorders.

Fourthly, I'm not going to go over the huge costs of standard childcare, or the Australian study that estimated the monetary value of a mother's stress at $48,000 AUS. After all, if I got paid fair value for what I do for my children, I could hire a nanny and go out to a fancy restaurant.



As with many blogs on privilege, I am choosing to use generalized examples of how privilege and discrimination work regarding childlessness.

Social acceptance:

• The childless do not regularly endure comments or behavioral censure (dirty looks, sighs, etc) for the presence or behavior of another person. Parents are expected to tolerate everything from "friendly advice" on parenting techniques to strangers yelling at their children.
• The childless do not frequently encounter requests to leave because they cannot control the behavior of another person or the perception of that behavior by onlookers. Parents are asked to leave because children are asking questions, shifting too much in chairs, or expressing their discomfort in the only form of communication they know (yeah, babies aren't much for dialog).
• The childless do not encounter places of business that refuse them service on the basis of "ambiance" or the "comfort" of other customers (just change "child" to "persons of color" and see how that feels).

  

  This reminds me of college, actually...

  (Note that these same places of business do not put restrictions on the noise levels of adults having boisterous conversation - yes, you are annoying, too - nor do they ban alcohol drinkers on the basis of the poor behavior of a few drunk patrons.) I don't support restaurant bans, but I do support parents using common sense when visiting restaurants. I also understand the psychological angst of desperately wanting to get out of the house, not having a choice in where to eat, being dismayed that a child is much more tired/grumpy/hungry then you thought, then being caught having placed an order but the kid needs food now and the server is avoiding the chaos so you can't ask for a simple pack of crackers and the snack you packed has already been eaten and just bring the food already!
• The childless have never had to decide to spend additional money while traveling to make a gift bag as a pre-apology to other guests or travelers for "bad" (aka, age-appropriate) behavior. On the other hand, responses to the idea are informative and amusing, by turns.
• The childless have not had realistic behaviors prohibited at or around their own homes. Parents, however, may be (illegally) asked to not allow their children to play outside their own apartment.

Psychological toll:

• The childless likely never have to worry if the behavior of another person will cause them to have a negative interaction with law enforcement or government agencies. Parents can face criminal charges due to their children's behavior, the perceptions of the dangers their children face, and even due to third parties doing injury to their children (negligence - when you just gotta charge someone for something involving a child).
• The childless probably do not have to juggle watching another person to monitor their behavior AND watching strangers for negative behavior against that other person. Parents feel the pressure to attempt to control (attempt but never fully succeed) their kids while at the same time trying to protect those children against attacks, random violence, more violence, invasive... I don't even know what this is, random attacks, random playground assaults, and much more.
• The childless will likely not make decisions to engage (or not) in an activity based on whether they believe they have the energy to care for another person during the activity OR based on whether they can handle the psychological stress of being judged on the basis of another person's behaviors. I spent the first six years as a parent virtually unable to leave the house with my children without the company of another adult to help. Even now, the experience can be so daunting that I would rather miss out on experiences than deal with my children. I had the opportunity to see Aretha Franklin live, but her performance was after my kids' bedtime. We left the venue before she performed.

  

  This child just wants to be in his own bed,
  and the mom wants him there, too. Guaranteed.
  

• The childless will never have to abort a task due to another person's behavior and the public perception of that behavior. Parents have all had that moment. I remember when my son melted down five minutes from being on the way home after a 15 minute speed-shopping trip, and I had delayed getting groceries for several days anyways so we had next to nothing to eat, and if he could just make it through check out I would cry all the way home with him because there's nothing that will help until the safety of home is reached, and don't think about trying to juggle the groceries and crying baby while climbing the stairs to the apartment cuz the elevator is still broken... But that stranger giving me a dirty look? Yeah, that makes everything all better.

Financial toll:

• The childless are unlikely to have expenses relating to be able to work that may make it financially ineffective to work. Those with children must pay childcare expenses, which are frequently cost-prohibitive to holding lower-paying jobs.
• The childless will not be required to pay additional costs for appropriate housing for their family. (Note: it is illegal for landlords to charge parents with young children additional rent or security deposits, but there are loopholes that they can use to increase the costs or deny renting entirely.)

  

  I can eat this, right? No!So, it's to eat, right? NO!I can eat it now? Gahhhrgh! Fine, yes.

• The childless will not be denied apartment rental or financial loans for buying a house. Parents are considered less financially stable, particularly during the mother's maternity leave.
• The childless are not advised to refrain from talking about their family during a job interview for fear that they may not be hired due to having "too many familial obligations". 
• The childless are not inhibited in progressing within their careers due to stereotyping of work ethic. Studies do not support the idea that employees with families and young children are a liability to employers. In fact, some suggest that the opposite is true.