Yes, we should stop and enjoy the little things, like snuggle piles, inside jokes, and bad 80s family movies. But that's not what I'm talking about here.
I'm talking about the micromanaging, the over-scheduling, the nitpicking. And I'm not judging. We all do it, at times. We all get stressed about things and over-reach with our time. We all want to make a good impression at the family reunion or going out to a nice dinner. We all feel that pressure.
That's fine. Don't beat yourself up over that. But also, don't make that your parenting focus.
There are entire articles dedicated to informing pregnant women how to get on a wait-list for a preschool, which feeds into an elementary school, which feeds into a high school, which virtually guarantees an Ivy League acceptance letter. It's really hard to see that and not think, holy canoli, am I denying my kid by not pursuing this?
The short answer is no.
The long answer is nooooooo. And there are studies to prove it.
The kind of parenting that focuses on such little details is often called helicopter parenting. Over-scheduling, micro-managing, etc, are characteristics of a controlled type of family life, which allows little to no room for error. Not for the kids, not for the parents.
While it certainly can relieve the anxiety surrounding parenting in a high-pressure society, it actually can harm the kids. Not in a violently abusive way, but in a subtle, undermining way.
See, kids need to learn to be people. That's what their job is. It isn't to check off a bunch of boxes on their way to a graduate degree. It's to develop the skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
The ironic thing is that teaching that is actually considered a more "lazy" form of parenting.
Letting your toddler explore the playground - and possibly scrape her knee - teaches that a bit of pain isn't the end of the world. Yes, comfort her, but don't try to save her. She'll just learn that she needs to be saved.
Letting your kids roam the neighborhood (to the degree that it is reasonably safe) with other kids teaches them to form and navigate relationships, and to get creative with their play. Bonus: you can talk to them about their day, because you weren't there the whole time, and give them advice if they seem to be having trouble with someone.
Demanding chores is a big one. I am not a maid. It's never been a fun thing for me. Satisfying, sometimes, but never pleasant. My kids do chores because they live here, too. My husband and I still do the lion's share, but they can rotate laundry, put dishes away, vacuum, and even cook - quite a bit.
Because of this, they often express satisfaction and pride in what they can do. Don't get me wrong, they still complain a lot when it's time to do the work, but they know they can do it, and that makes them feel like they can do other things, too. Plus, I won't be getting calls from college because they don't know how to run a washing machine.
So, how did I get here? How do I stay on course when social pressures are getting to me?
I decided a long time ago that my only goal as a parent was to produce an adult that was as successful and independent as their physical and mental abilities would allow. I revisit this idea often, reminding myself that I've seen grown men who outsource their laundry because washing clothes was a "girl's chore" or people who have to spend more money on food because they can't even make grilled cheese or spaghetti. And I don't blame them, entirely.
Parents need to teach their kids to be good adults, first by learning basics with supervision, then by taking on more and more responsibilities for themselves. And responsibility is a very Pagan quality.
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