Pagan Parent Confessional: I Had PPD & No One Knew

Full disclosure: I didn't have adequate time or insurance coverage, so I was never diagnosed. This is my assessment of my own mental state after both of my pregnancies, with three years of pre-med college, two years of working in the medical field, and a healthy respect for the fallacies of self-diagnosis.

I plastered on a smile when I went to work every day. I spent most of the day ignoring my co-workers, skipping breaks, and seeing how many days in a row I could get away without speaking a single word to anyone. I maintained a strict daily schedule to be able to get to work on time, wash laundry, and occasionally get groceries.

Speaking of groceries - for nearly five years, there wasn't a single trip to the grocery store that didn't end with me crying in bed for an hour.

Symptoms of PPD

• Anxiety - Like being either terrified or just numb every time I went out in public with my kid(s).
• Depression - A complete lack of motivation to do anything 90% of the time. Habit was my only friend.
• Mood swings - Crying jags, rage, fierce protectiveness.
• Irritability - Oh, yeah. I broke up with my now hubby because I found out I was pregnant again.
• Loss of interest - In people. In activities. In living.
• Thoughts of harming self or the child - Let me be perfectly clear. The first year, for both kids, this was a DAILY thing. Every single day. Either I wanted to be dead, or I had thoughts of hurting my kid(s). Every. Single. Day.

But How Did I Hide It?

Oh, I'm good. See, I'm the ultimate altruist. When I decided to go through with my pregnancies, I formally accepted the obligation to see these children into adulthood to the best of my ability. I literally made an oath.

Because of that, my feelings on the matter didn't matter. I shut the emotions away and made a schedule to keep us going even when I could barely string two words together without sobbing, and that was that. Score one for dissociation.

Years of being an introvert stuck in customer service jobs taught me how to fake a real-looking smile. Compartmentalization allowed me to enjoy brief moments of interaction in the midst of nearly constant emotional self-abuse.

It probably also helped that my friends never visited and seldom called, so how would they know? My parents helped, but got frustrated, and I simply accepted what was offered, seldom even asking for more.

And I just plain didn't speak about my pain. To anyone. If I spoke to anyone at all.

How Did I Get Through It?

Well, one could argue that I didn't. I still have flashbacks and crying jags over this stuff, which is now close to 8 years gone. I can't talk about it without feeling guilty because 1) I chose to keep my kids, 2) I actually do love my kids, 3) I was never diagnosed, and 4) nothing bad actually happened.

Secondly, I reached out once, to one person, and he responded. After my second was born, I found myself struggling once more. And I realized I missed him. I talked to him online and looked for signs that he'd grown a bit - I really couldn't tell you if he had or if I'd just been hoping - and I offered to let him move in with me.

I have since been slowly working with the pain - shadow work, the never-ending cycle of shadow work. I occasionally find a new detail or depth that I'd missed. And it all comes up again.

Mostly, I just feel disappointed. I feel cheated about my pregnancies, about my birth experiences, about my kids' infancy. Like, I could have enjoyed all of them more, if only...

So What?

So... help new mothers. It doesn't have to be much. Visit for an afternoon. Take her a meal. Hold the baby while she showers. Call. Talk to her about her, not the baby. So many women feel like their identities are overwhelmed by their new role as baby's mom. Visit again.

Even a new mom who doesn't have PPD needs these connections. Someone to listen to them. Someone to help them remember themselves. Someone to care about them.

This is sacred work. This is caring for the newly born Mother. This is mourning the Maiden's passing. This is celebrating life cycles in all their dirty, messy, chaotic, natural state. This is community and priest/essing.

This is Paganism.

Books for Pagan Children: Infants & Toddlers

It can be difficult to find books for your Pagan children to read. You want books that teach them your values, and maybe something close to your beliefs and traditions.

I have compiled a list of good books by great authors. Many are outright Pagan. Some are Pagan in flavor or Pagan-friendly. I am noting when the author is a confirmed Pagan to encourage support of Pagan authors and artists. If you know an author is Pagan, but they aren't marked as such, send me a message and I will correct it.

• ABC's For the Young Pagan by G. D. Calhoun *PAGAN*
  The author and artist created a delightful book for young pagan children to learn their basic ABC’s. A is for Athame, D is for Dragon and others whimsical entries.

• Rabbit's Song by S.J. Tucker *PAGAN*
  In the time before time, Trickster searches among all the animals for a teacher of man. One by one, he examines and dismisses Bear, Cat, Tiger, Dog and Wolf as being too frightening. Trickster at last settles on the humble and unimposing Rabbit with his companions, Coyote, Raven and Crow as the very beasts to teach the Way of Laughter.

• Rupert's Tales: A Book of Bedtime Stories by Kyrja *PAGAN*
  An enchanting collection of four rhyming bedtime stories, children will be encouraged to discover new ways of exploring and directing dreamtime that comes naturally from their minds and hearts. Meet the very tired and hungry Brody the bat who helps Rupert learn about going to sleep, and a colorful dragon that knows all about dreaming. Merissa the Mermaid and Flora the Frog are the perfect duo to talk about sending bad dreams away and the Guardian of Dreams is there to protect dreamers as they sleep. Inspiration for reluctant and eager sleepers alike can be found in this assortment of charming, creative tales. Stories come to life with 40 delightfully vibrant pastel illustrations that complement creative concepts, influencing the direction and content of children’s dreams―something sure to please the adventurous spirit of every child!

• Smoky and the Feast of Mabon by Catherynne M. Valente
  Upset at the sight of her dying flowers, Smoky goes into the woods where she has always felt safe. Now she's lost! What is that glow in the woods before her? Follow a little girl as she discovers the meaning of Mabon in the wood behind her house, where a magical meal awaits her between the old year and the new year.

• The ABC Book of Goddesses by Selina Wolfcat *PAGAN*
  A beautifully illustrated book with a rhyming verse depicting 26 different Goddesses, arranged alphabetically, from multiple pantheons and cultures from around the world. An excellent introduction for the very young to the wide range of historic and current belief systems.

• When the Wind Stops by Charlotte Zolotow
  When a little boy asks this question at the end of a happy day, his mother explains that the wind does not stop-it blows away to make the trees dance somewhere else. Reassuringly, she tells him that nothing ever ends, it simply begins in another place or in another way. Rain goes back into the clouds to create new storms, waves fold back upon the sea to become new waves, and the day moves on to make way for the night, bringing the darkness and stars for the little boy to dream in. Charlotte Zolotow's lyrical prose and Stefano Vitale's rich illustrations make this a beautiful celebration of the cycle of life.